By Heather Legge
It's not all sunshine and rainbows living this way! It's too much pressure to keep up a facade of toughness, plus we know what happens over time: in addition to the occasional embarrassing meltdown, we have poor health, severed relationships, end-of-life regrets, and a whole lot of other crap to look forward to. All of which we might be able to avoid by dialing it down a notch. It took me about 35 years to figure this out.
Being tough with myself now means being true to myself and letting go of the shit that doesn't really matter.
Starting in grade school, I was marching through life living up to my dad's voice chiding me to "Toughen Up, Buttercup." In his defense, he meant well. His brand of tough love was designed to ensure my true self reliance. Mission accomplished. Unfortunately when I applied it to myself, I left out the love.
Here is what I've learned so far about shifting from just tough to tough love:
1. I no longer judge myself so harshly.
At one point, I realized I don't even use the same scale when comparing my "failures" to others "little mishaps." I was making erroneous assumptions about how much better they did or how much worse I did. Also, I finally saw that constantly comparing myself to a mythical truly perfect performance is idiotic because I can never hit the mark!!
Now I am capable of taking a step back when needed, and pouring a huge bucket of reality on any blazing self-recrimination. I consider that if I were giving someone else advice about how to respond in the same situation, what would I say? Then, I seek to apply that to myself (more kindness, less kick-in-the-pants). Hardly ever is this easy. If I can't do this by myself, I talk to someone I trust to help me see things more clearly.
2. I've embraced the fact that other people respect (and like) me more when I have flaws.
I know, right- it's ironic!
When I was in my 20's and working in an office, I wore only professional suits, makeup, and accoutrements and never mixed business with friendships. (Think: corporate robot.). A few years later I learned that people on that team felt like I thought I was better than them, stuck-up, snobby...you get the idea. Oh my God! I NEVER felt that way, or said it, or in my opinion gave any indication of being that way. Unfortunately, that's how people misinterpreted my vibes- because of how I was projecting myself (and my internal feelings of never being good enough). From that point, I struggled through years of attempting to dial down my intensity so I felt people could relate to me better.
Even these past few years I sometimes heard from my clients something like "I love it when you tell me that you mess up. It's so refreshing that you're not perfect." OH NOOOO, here we go again...
*No one wants to be around someone fully armored as if for battle all the time.* After hearing people found me intimidating, or thought I was too busy for certain things, I've worked to make sure people see the real me. Human: quirky, nerdy, and vulnerable- in public. (More on how to do this in a future post.)
3. I have a technique for resolving "But, if I relax, I'll be seen as lazy or stupid!"
I knew I had to quit holding on to the excuse that my Never Show Weakness belief-set was what was motivating me to perform at a higher level. It only SEEMED that way. Getting everything right all the time is NOT possible, and when we are too "tough" to accept any hint of weakness, and be more open to all options, we unknowingly make it more likely for failure to occur. I found this quite difficult to accept and implement.
I made a deal with myself that I won't go for 100% in every area. For me, this has been a long process of acknowledging that what I think is "necessary" is probably overkill. While working on my MBA with a salaried (way-more-than-40) job, I was forced to learn the value of 80/20. Now I routinely remind myself that "80% of what I think I should do is likely good enough, so let's see what happens." It's amazing, but I can say that I haven't had any true failures from this approach. Not one in over 10 years!
4. I have happily experienced the benefits of asking for help.
In talking with a lot of women business owners, this is something many wish they did earlier in their careers. These days, sometimes it seems like I have an army of people caring for me and helping me be my best- chiropractor, massage therapists, personal trainers, mentors, coach, etc... so why would it be hard to seek help in other areas? It has taken some real emotional growth to be able to say, "Hey, I could really use your help. What do you think about...? Can I ask you a favor?" *I still need to remind myself sometimes that we all like helping others!* To see them light up at an opportunity to help, even if it's just an opinion --and what often follows-- is truly awesome! It takes knowing what to ask, and reaching out slowly to an expanding circle of connections. This is an area where applying "feel the fear and do it anyway" works well.
5. I am aware that constant tension in my body leads to chronic aches and pains.
My intensity for constant progress is both a blessing and a curse. It drives me forward and keeps me going through any excuses and other hurdles. However, I've been forced to the sidelines from being sick and/or injured so many times that I had to acknowledge that my lifelong pattern of "GO-GO-GO-GO-Crash!" isn't that great. After repeat treatments for the same ailments again and again and again (like IT band issues which plague me from too much sitting, running, and often walking), one tends to re-examine their approach.
I now try to be aware of tightness before the pain comes, exhaustion before illness takes hold, and to take action quickly instead of ignoring it. Action here means dialing back my intensity level. I don't relax well (I've never understood how my husband can sleep practically anywhere, like a very loud movie theatre). I've worked on this a LOT over the past decade. Now I take afternoon naps when I need to relax, recover, or renew. If needed, I make it a goal I track. I set a timer and focus on breathing deeply while relaxing muscle groups. Then I typically sleep (2 settings: ON or OFF!). After a short catnap, I am reset physically and also generally far more effective in my work. I also now accept that gentle activity does not equal half-assed. For example, non-sweaty yoga does just as much as good as other forms of exercise.
6. I admit that I don't have it all figured out.
I continue to learn the art of balancing self-drive and self-care. But in business, I believe we need to shift the idea of what we see as weakness, and what we see as strength in our fellow leaders. Showing up as one's REAL self is a hell of a lot more scary than hiding behind a strategic shell. We all benefit from laughing at ourselves and sharing experiences with others so we all know we are not alone in our struggles and triumphs.
Please share your comments! What have been your toughest hurdles with "Never Show Weakness," and what's working for you now?
Heather A Legge
Executive Moxie Coach & Founder
Envision Success Inc